Over the years I’ve cautiously embraced the marriage of technology and sports, mostly because I utilize many said technological advances in my own athletic endeavors. I say cautiously because there have been some really inane applications of sports tech–for instance…

Called “SHIFT”, this latest atrocity transforms from tricycle to bicycle depending upon pedal speed. It was designed with the intent that children may learn to ride a bike without fear of falling.

Why the vitriol, Muadib? Because it’s just another example of the coddling of America’s children. In the fifteen years since I left grade school, monkeybars have been replaced with sensitivity counselors, and now we have an invention that sucks all of the danger and excitement out of what was once a landmark event in every child’s life–learning to ride a bike. To this day, I vividly remember watching with horror as my father bolted those ridiculous looking training wheels to my new bike. If the freedom of two wheels wasn’t enough incentive already, the potential embarassment of becoming the playground pariah certainly was. I probably left a pint of blood and enough epidermis to make a bedside lampshade on the blacktop over those few days, but through pain came pleasure and I was soon a two-wheeling daredevil.

Now I can appreciate the concept and design behind this invention, but in the end it’s still a fancy fokken’ tricycle. My only hope is that there are still enough playground bullies in this country–unsoftened by the sensitivity counselors–who can mercilessly mock any kid who dares to saddle one of these up. You can bet my kids will be learning the old school way–road rash and Neosporin, baby!

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